Posts by Linda Miller-deBerard

Couples Conflict: Who’s right?

Posted on Jul 24, 2017

Over the years I’ve noticed that a lot of the couples I see feel the need to focus on who is right and who is wrong. It’s as if the person who is right is the winner and the person who is wrong is the looser. You can’t run a successful equal partnership this way. Doing this can cause serious damage to your relationship. If you have to be right your partner will eventually move farther and farther away from you emotionally. Your emotional and sometimes physical intimacy will quickly deteriorate in the game of right v wrong. Instead of playing this game try changing your relationship by looking at different perceptions as simple differences with one not being better than the other. When your not in agreement your focus should be on how do we meet in the middle. Your relationship can survive if your willing to make some changes. I tell my couples that I could take them outside and have them observe a car wreck. One would say the red car hit the blue car and one would say the blue car hit the red car. The perceptions vary because of the viewpoint. The more important question however is are there any injuries and what immediate action should we take. When you find yourself trying to prove that you are right ask yourself whether or not being right will fix the problem. Some times we have to make a choice. Do you want to be right or do you want a meaningful...

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The Couple That Hobby’s Together, Stays Together



Posted on Jul 23, 2017

  With the evolution of instant everything, couples can get so comfortable with each other that they forget how to communicate and be around each other. Sometimes, instead of remembering what brought them together, they will drift apart, forming separate lives while together. This drift can cause the relationship to end or give them a reason to find love again with each other. One powerful way to rekindle love can be through finding a hobby to partake in together. This can be as simple as reading books to as grand as traveling from state to state to visit different kinds of cupcake shops. As people, we often think that we must go big in order to see big change when in reality we need to K.I.S.S, keep it simple silly.

One way to work as a couple is to get back to basics and talk to each other. A tool that can be used is Gottman’s Marriage minute and using the” who Am I” exercise. Through this exercise, couples can start to remember what brought them together initially. Here are some sample questions to ask: What have you done recently to be proud of? What activities really engage you on a regular basis? What’s something important that has happened recently that i might have missed? What hobbies have you had in the past that we can do together? These are beginning questions to ask each other and it is encouraged to regularly check in with each other. Relationships are not built in a day or fixed in a day, which is why it is important to always keep the spark alive in as many ways as possible. Below are some examples of hobbies that can be done as a couple: Exercising Recreating your first date at different places Playing games (board games, videogames, card games) or having game nights. Building a collection Painting or other Art activities. Catching up on a television series. Once you start to build on your hobbies together, it will be hard to stop while also bringing fun back into the relationship. The key to any great relationship is consistency, transparency, communication and fun. Without one, a relationship can start to fall apart, but there are ways to fix it when the effort is there on both sides. By: Khadidrah Lloyd,...

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When Your Afraid Your Partner Might Leave, Let Go

Posted on Jul 16, 2017

Occasionally, I see couples at the end of the marital rope. One person is seriously considering ending the relationship and their partner goes into an emotional tailspin. The person with one foot out the door finally gets the courage to say so and with that they begin to focus on themselves with much less consideration for their partner. They may begin to do things that are very uncomfortable, even unacceptable to their partner. Things like partying all night, staying out too late, being away from home more often, taking out of town trips without their partner or children. They are establishing their own sense of freedom but have not yet made a final decision to divorce. Meanwhile, the other partner is shocked and hurt. Because of the new behaviors they begin to get suspicious and fearful that their partner is leaving them. They begin to be demanding of explanations and demanding and angry about the partners behaviors. Unfortunately, this only pushes the other spouse even further away. These dynamics will almost guarantee the end of the marriage. Naturally, I would recommend getting counseling long before you consider ending a marriage but certainly if you consider ending your marriage. But, if these dynamics have begun for you, there is still hope. I call the technique “letting go”. I give the analogy that the more tightly you hang on to a person the greater need they have to break free. Letting go is a difficult thing to do, it’s counter intuitive. It means not demanding explanations, not getting angry about decisions and behaviors that may be unhealthy for the relationship or the individual. In order to this it helps tremendously to turn the situation over to a higher power and trust that God will bring you to a better place through this. You must also remember that arguing and holding on too tightly will only make the situation worse. Most importantly, if the pain becomes too great you have the right to end the relationship at any time. I would never suggest letting go long term. If you are able to let go and be at peace temporarily (one to six months), what can happen is that the spouse who is breaking away will have time to decide if that freedom is really what they want and may be able to return to the relationship. At that point it is critical to talk about the new expectations and boundaries in the relationship. You will also need to reestablish the commitment to the relationship and fix whatever issues lead to the person needing to break free. This is a difficult situation to recover from but with time, patience and help, your relationship can get to a better place than it has ever been. Call Now! (817)...

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Change Your Relationship by Changing Yourself

Posted on Jun 25, 2017

  When your relationship is in trouble it’s a common mistake to look at your partners behavior. Unfortunately, when your in conflict the last person you want pointing out your flaws is the person your having conflict with. When you tell them what they are doing wrong it’s likely to feel like criticism and blame. A far better idea is to take a look inward. I often ask couples to tell me the things “I” do that contribute to our conflict. It can be a guess or it can be something their partner already told them. It’s critical to take a look at your own behavior because you have 100% control over changing and altering your own behaviors. The next step is to offer solutions or suggestions for solutions. Ask would it help if I _____? Most importantly do not observe your partners behavior and make guesses about why they do whatever they are doing that causes you pain. People tend to jump to conclusions and make incorrect guesses that their partners behaviors are a reflection of how they feel about them. Keep in mind that your partners behaviors are more about them than their feelings for you. The only person who might know why your partner does something is your partner. If you need to know the why, you need to ask your partner and then believe them when they tell you. Even more important than the why is the what now. If you try to solve problems in your relationship by focusing on why something isn’t working your focus becomes the problem. If you truly want things to get better try focussing on the what if I. Asking What if I do _____ ? Would that help? Offering proposals for solutions is the best way to fix the problems in your...

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1st Step to Experiencing Your Spouse Positively

Posted on Jun 5, 2017

One of the first therapeutic models I was trained in was Cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy is based on the belief that we get our emotions from our thoughts. And that if we can recognize our negative thoughts, we can alter them therefore altering our emotions. I’ve seen this model help hundred of clients over the years. Our thought have a vital impact on our marriage. The Gottman’s talk about ‘Emotionally Healthy Marriages’. They describe an emotionally healthy marriage as a couple who keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming their positive thoughts and feelings. When I was a newlywed, I worked with seasoned therapist who once told me that every day he had to intentionally think about five things about his wife that he liked. I found it odd at the time until I left “romantic brain” in my marriage. When couples go in to conflict, as ALL of us do, you have to make a conscious choice to focus on the positive thoughts about your spouse or stay focussed on the negative things about your spouse. IF you get to the point where you see nothing but negative, your marriage is in deep trouble. I suggest you get counseling before this point. However, if you are having trouble seeing anything positive in your spouse, gently let them know ‘I would like to have a more positive experience of you. Might you be willing to do blank blank or blank (three tangible suggestions) that would feel positive to me? And most importantly ask if there is something I can do to help you experience me more positively. Chances are that if you are not experiencing your spouse positively, the feeling are...

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