Divorce

How long does it take to recover emotionally from a divorce?

Posted on Sep 18, 2013

How long does it take to recover emotionally from a divorce?

I recently had a client going through divorce tell me that she was discouraged by well meaning people telling her how many years (plural) it took them to recover from their divorce. In diagnostic terms we don’t consider grief to be unresolved until it has continued to cause symptoms for over a year. Why might grief recovery for a divorce take longer? There is a correlation to the degree of trauma and the amount of time it takes to recover. For example we would expect someone to recover more quickly from the death of an elderly parent by natural causes than the unexpected violent death of a child. In kind we expect a faster recovery from someone who goes through an amicable divorce than someone who goes through an antagonistic litigation. First of all litigation can take years and tens of thousands of dollars. Also, take into consideration the trauma of having to focus on all the negative characteristics of someone you once loved. Add to that requiring everyone who knows both of you to take a side and possibly to testify for or against you. Also, imagine the feelings of walking your child through the metal detectors of the courthouse to talk to the judge about when they spend time with you and their other parent. All these things are emotionally traumatic and will increase the time it takes to recover from a divorce. Now imagine the loss of divorce with the opportunity to learn to express what is important to you in safe healthy ways. Imagine having help to sit at the table and talk about your children, your finances and your future goals. It is empowering for people going through divorce to make their own decisions and to be encouraged to find peaceful solutions. All of these factors can and will make the recovery process go faster. Fortunately, I was able to tell my client that because they had chosen a healthy mediation process her recovery would not take years. You can determine your recovery time by how you choose to divorce. Divorce Mediation at Confidential Care Professional Counseling Divorce and Seperation at Confidential Care Professional...

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It’s time to end the marriage

Posted on Sep 16, 2013

It’s time to end the marriage

How to tell your spouse that you have decided to end the marriage in a peaceful way by exploring mediation. There are no criteria for when you should end your marriage. I tell people that unhealthy relationships are like having a relationship on a respirator; either the relationship will be revived and will recover or eventually one of you will make the decision to discontinue life support. If conflict is not dealt with one or both of you will become emotionally disconnected. That disconnection can grow into dissatisfaction and lead to an emotional exit. It’s common for me to see that one person has emotionally left the marriage and gone through a grieving process before the other person has reached that conclusion. If you decide to end your marriage because of disconnection remember that your spouse will most likely be taken by surprise. Expect that they will begin to experience stages of grief that you may have already worked through. Their stages will include anger, denial and bargaining. They might at that point be willing to make significant changes. It’s important that you be sure of your decision and avoid sending mixed messages. They will eventually get to acceptance. Let them know that it is not your intent to cause them harm. Tell them you are committed to making decisions together for your family and that your hope is to learn to work together for your children. Let them know that you have done some research on healthy ways to end a marriage and ask them if when they are ready they would review the information at DivorceMediationTexas.com. Tell them that you do not intend to begin a litigation process and that you hope that with some help the two of you will be able to help each other establish two healthy households for your children. Divorce Mediation at Confidential Care Professional Counseling Divorce and Seperation at Confidential Care Professional...

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Collaborative divorce – options for a wiser generation

Posted on Sep 11, 2013

Collaborative divorce – options for a wiser generation

My past blogs discuss the many reasons that I received training in Collaborative divorce and as a mediator. I will always grieve when a marriage ends. The increasing numbers of people divorcing without attorneys speaks loudly that people want to be in control of their own decisions, they want to manage the cost of their divorce. And most importantly, they are becoming more aware of how lengthy court battles and bitter relationships can harm them and their children. This is why I am passionate about two things professionally. First, do everything you can to make your marriage healthy and keep your family in tact. Second, if your marriage is too unhealthy to survive it is critical to you, your children and grandchildren to leave a legacy that is not destructive. Divorce Mediation at Confidential Care Professional Counseling Divorce and Seperation at Confidential Care Professional...

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You Should Control the Decisions In Your Divorce

Posted on Sep 9, 2013

You Should Control the Decisions In Your Divorce

You Should Control the Decisions In Your Divorce –  I’m angry about a system that sees people at their most vulnerable and profits from the ongoing destruction of parental relationships. My bias is that the legal professional might claim that they can protect their hurt and angry client and get them what they want without helping them take into consideration that the other side will argue for the opposite position. And most of all without helping them understand the true cost of the battle, financially, relationally and emotionally Certainly there are conscientious attorneys who help their clients make reasonable decisions and who don’t take unnecessary adversarial actions just to increase their own income. Many family law attorneys will say that they entered the profession to help people. My question has always been- what are the long-term emotional effects of that help? I’ve had clients tell me that even when they “won” their custody case, they lost far more in the long term. Isn’t it time to find a smarter more humane approach to the ending of a marriage? You still need a good attorney to advise you about your options. Smart consumers are deciding to tell good attorneys what they need from them instead of letting litigious attorneys engage in unnecessary battles. Tip: You decide which actions will best help your family...

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What kind of divorce is most damaging?

Posted on Sep 2, 2013

What kind of divorce is most damaging?

What kind of divorce is most damaging? Clients that are most devastated and experience symptoms of anxiety and depression for the longest time are those that go into lengthy bitter custody disputes. Those who have hired an attorney advocate to help them prove that the person they chose to have children with is now an unfit parent. Are there those situations where children are endanger physically and emotionally from one of their parents and this battle should be fought? Absolutely. But I can honestly say that in most of the battles I have seen in my practice the concerns could have been worked out with some professional communication help and some information about what the laws truly are. Divorce Mediation at Confidential Care Professional Counseling Divorce and Seperation at Confidential Care Professional...

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How you handle your divorce determines how quickly you recover

Posted on Aug 21, 2013

How you handle your divorce determines how quickly you recover

Did you know that how you handle your divorce determines how quickly you recover?  Over the past 29 years as a therapist I have sat listening in my chair to the horrors of the litigation system. I have treated hundreds of clients who present with anxiety, depression and grief caused by a divorce. A degree of these emotions can be expected because divorce is the second worst stressor second only to death. Many of these symptoms are increased by a antagonistic legal battle. The longer and more costly and antagonistic your divorce is, the longer it will take to heal emotionally....

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