Posts by Linda Miller-deBerard

Questions That Deepen Your Relationship

Posted on Apr 1, 2018

  When you first started dating your partner, you both were most likely full of questions; it seemed as if you would never run out of questions. As the months and years go by and the initial excitement of a new relationship settles into daily living, we stop asking questions. We get it, it is only natural as you settle into daily living.  You know your partner’s favorite foods, their quirks, and regular schedule, life becomes more routine. Questions are important; they can bring some excitement back into your relationship and further develop bonds of trust and intimacy! We know what you may be thinking, how can asking my partner questions bring excitement back to our relationship? Trust us; the following five questions are questions you most likely have not thought about asking your partner as they may provoke feelings of uneasiness. With uneasiness comes growth and a deeper connection to your partner. So what do you have to lose? Grab your partner for 10 minutes and ask them a few of the following questions! What are your needs, and how can I do a better job at meeting them? Try to get information about solutions instead of asking them to focus on what doesn’t work. Maybe you are not speaking their love language,  get specific information about what behaviors speak love to them.  In our support circle, friends family, and colleagues- who do you think has the best relationship and why? An insightful question that may elicit their wants and needs. Often, if someone in the relationship struggles with communication their needs, recognizing it in other couples is a way for them to communicate it. They may say they like that their parents are affectionate, ask them if they would like more affection. What do you love about being together? A simple, but deeply meaningful question. As time goes on, what we love about being in a relationship with our partner may change and that is okay. What keeps you awake at night that you have not shared with me? Maybe your partner has been stressed about money for a few months after the loss of a job, or they could be questioning the next steps in the relationship, or their dream of pursuing a different profession is keeping them up at night. Accept their answer or lack of one without judgement or criticism, stay open and listen. How can we improve our sex life? All healthy relationships require fun, and sex is a fun way to connect and explore fantasies with your partner and develop deeper bonds of intimacy. Maybe they want to try sex toys or role play, whatever it may be, allow them to explore their fantasies without shame.  Asking your partner questions that are meaningful can deepen your bond and develop more trust in the relationship when your partner can be 100% transparent with their answers. Stay open and listen to what your partner says when talking, their answers may surprise you!...

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Small Gestures Show You Care

Posted on Mar 24, 2018

  When you first started dating your partner, you most likely showered them with gifts, attention, and dinners out. As time goes on, you move in together, get married, have kids, and work keeps you busy. The initial excitement of dating, and showing your partner you care about them through small gestures can take a backseat. Small gestures not only show someone you care about them, but it is also an opportunity to speak their love language. Before we jump into a few gestures, it is important to understand your partner’s love language as this will help you select which gesture will mean the most to your partner. Does your partner like to spend time together just the two of you? Is your partner into meaningful gifts? Does your partner enjoy physical touch? If you are unsure of what a love language is, you can learn more here. Small gestures to show you care: Do something they have been talking about: Has your partner wanted to try the new Asian restaurant in town, or have they wanted to try a new workout class at your gym? Focus in on an activity they have been talking about and book it for them, or for you to do as a couple. Gift giving: Thoughtful gifts go a long way to show you care. Picking up your partner’s favorite latte, flowers, or a baked treat shows them you are thinking about them. Tell them how you feel and how much you care for them: We often get wrapped up in the day to day that we forget to show our gratitude for one another. Take a moment to tell your partner how much they mean to you. If you are not much of a talker, you can always write out your gratitude in a nice card. Act of service: Has your partner been asking you to clean the sheets or take out the trash on a weekly basis? Do an act of service without them asking and leave them a note saying you took care of the task. Do something for someone your partner cares about: This is an extra step but is greatly meaningful to your partner and the person they care about. If you live in a different area from your in-laws, send them specialty chocolate, something made in your state, or a homemade treat.     Tags: couples, relationships, love language, gesture, giving  ...

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Make Goals for Your Relationship

Posted on Mar 18, 2018

A lot of us tend to make personal goals when it comes to our careers and health. Have you thought about making goals with your partner to help improve your relationship? Maybe you both are struggling with spending time together because the day keeps you so busy, or you both are looking to add more fun to your relationship. Goal Ideas: Unplug:   So you both are finding it hard to spend time together, but every night you both scroll through Facebook, Instagram, the news, and shop while you are unwinding before bed. Our smartphones can create a barrier and distance in relationships when they are used too much.  Make your bedroom a technology-free zone – no smartphones or computers, place your tablets and phones in a basket before spending time with your partner. Over time it will become a habit, and you and your partner will enjoy the technology-free quality time together. Eat Together:  If your goal as a couple is to order less take-out and cook and eat together; pick a few nights a week that work for each other’s schedule. Plan the meals you would like to make and buy all the groceries in advance. It is easy to slip into old habits and order take-out when you don’t have all the ingredients needed for your meals, so food prep will come in handy for couples that are not regular cooks. Financial Goal:  As a couple, are you working towards buying a home, car, or purchase new furniture? If saving money is a challenge for one partner, one idea is to send a certain percentage of their paycheck to a joint checking account that is reserved for the specific financial goal. At the end of the month, review your saved funds to see if you can make little adjustments to get your financial goal faster. Make Fun A Goal:  A favorite goal I like to see my couples accomplish is scheduling a time to just hang out,  talk, and work on their friendship.  It’s important to pull out the calendar and get times and dates confirmed.  If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  Try to find ways to laugh and enjoy each other.  Take turns planning a new activity.  Find jokes and funny stories to tell each other.  Or blow bubbles, play with the kids toys together and just be...

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Surviving An Affair

Posted on Mar 12, 2018

Is it possible to trust your partner after they have had an affair? This is a loaded question, after an affair, the partner that was cheated on is confused, upset, angry, and betrayed.  With work, communication, and commitment a relationship can survive an affair. Steps a couple needs to take to survive an affair: Stop the affair– This seems like a simple one, but often after the physical part of an affair is over, people will continue to communicate. The partner that is having an affair needs to stop the affair immediately. This includes all phone calls, texts, emails, and connection on social media- if they are friends with the person they are having the affair with on social media, it is best to remove them from all accounts. It also helps to refer to that person as the affair partner or AP Answer questions– The partner that had the affair must be open to answering questions from their partner. The betrayed partner might feel like they need all the details.  It’s important that they ask themselves how or if some the details will help them or cause longer term pain. Ignoring it will only create more distance and won’t allow for emotional healing. Schedule times to talk.  Discussing it 24/7 will only exhaust both of you. Be realistic– The partner that cheated needs to understand that it takes time to heal from an affair. There is no set time on the healing process, and it may take 2 months, 1 year, or two years for the partner that was cheated on to move forward.  It’s a process that will require long term reassurance and honesty to get through. Talk about your feelings– It is essential for the partner that was cheated on to express their opinions about the affair- disappointment, anger, rage, and doubt are a range of emotions those who have been cheated on feel.  It is vital towards moving forward to express how you are feeling. However, there is a point that they must try to express those feelings without attacking if they want the partner who cheated to stay tuned in and be able to hear and help them. Get help– Often after an affair the partner that was cheated on struggles with trust, communication, and anger. If they  want to move forward with working on the relationship, seeking help from a couples counselor will help the couple towards moving forward. The couples counselor will work with the couple on how to build trust and communicate more effectively Rebuilding trust after an affair is possible if each person in the relationship is willing to put in the work. It is not easy, but to survive an affair, it is vital to the relationship for each person to be honest, transparent and communicate effectively.    ...

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You Can Be The Change In Your Relationship

Posted on Feb 24, 2018

Change starts with you:

If you want to see your relationship improve and better communicate with your partner, take a close look at what you are doing and how you can improve the relationship from your end. Does your partner say you tend to tell them things last minute and that makes them frustrated? If so, take more initiative by communicating dinner plans, work outings and so on with your partner when you find out.

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